Blue peg, pink peg

I don't think my blog will ever stop being sporadic in timing of posts. But seeing as it's Christmas, I figured it's about time I update again.

Today, I had my first of two family Christmas parties. There are a lot of crazy happenings (mostly not so great) going on in my family right now, so it was bound to be an awkward event. All in all, people seemed genuinely happy to be there. We got along, and current issues did not get brought up. Everyone was happy... except for me.

Holidays suck when you're queer.

No, but really.

I've been doing a bit of reading lately about the phenomenon of "minority stress." It's the idea that it's not always big moments of prejudice that cause people to be worn down; on the contrary, it's the little day-to-day things that add up. Today, my tipping point was playing Life.

If you're not familiar with Life (where do you live, under a rock?), it's a board game in which you travel throughout the journey of life. You start by choosing college or career, you eventually get married, buy a house, have kids (if you're lucky), and meet various obstacles and successes along the way.

I played Life with my 2nd grader nephew, my Kindergarten niece, and my father. I agreed to play because I love games. I didn't fully think about what stresses might arise because seriously... who thinks about that when they're going to play a game with their family?

I saw it coming long before it happened: "STOP: Get married." Well, okay, I thought, I'm not quite sure what's going to happen there.

See, when I first came out to my brother and sister-in-law, they made very clear the kids were "too young" to know about my sexuality. That's a topic for another time (though you can guess what camp I'm in), but suffice to say, I had no say about this. It hasn't come up again, and I haven't a clue if they're changed their minds. They certainly haven't given any indication to doing so.

I spun a 7. Well, here goes. I'm at the stop sign. Wait. I know! Dad can decide. He's banker. He looks at me. He looks in the box. I was the last to tie the knot, and he had previously immediately handed the opposite-colored pegs to my niece and nephew when they got married. Okay... What are you going to do? What probably took course over about 2.1 seconds seemed to be paused in time. Finally, he lifts up the box and hands it my way. Seriously? I have to choose? What's the best choice here? 

What WAS the best choice there? If I chose pink, I'd be living a lie. If I chose blue, I'd be being honest, but I could get get in trouble with my siblings for bringing it up. Maybe if I chose blue, my nephew would just laugh it off. Or, I could make some comment about not wanting to marry a woman, so I'm traveling around with a friend--but how would that be any less lying?

I chose pink.

And it killed me.

Readers, this may seem like such a small situation. How big a deal is pretending you're marrying a woman for the sake of a board game? But that's just it. My life is not a board game. I should not have to lie to someone about my life--even if he's only 8 years old.

Blue peg, pink peg. Pink peg, blue peg.

My car is two blue pegs. And I'm damn proud of that fact.

-QV

A return to hands

One of my posts a few months back was titled "Hands." It was this wonderful concoction of 2 parts cheese, 3 parts romance, 10 parts excitement, and 4 parts birthday present. In it, I talked through my first date with my now-boyfriend and my obsession with hand-holding techniques. Read it here if you haven't already.

I've been thinking about hands again a lot. Now, before you start to think I have some sort of weird hand-fetish (is that even a thing?), I need to share a few short stories:

Boyfriend lives in Ann Arbor, and I live in Grand Rapids. For those of you not from Michigan, it is nearly exactly a two hour drive from my house to his. That means that if we want to see each other, one of us has to drive for a minimum of 4 hours, plus the driving/riding involved in where we decide to go in the city we're in. I should not be complaining as it's a long-distance relationship with a doable distance, but it still sucks sometimes.

If someone were to ask the biggest difference between Grand Rapids and Ann Arbor, the first thing that comes up for me is one of politics. Grand Rapids, as a whole, is a lot more conservative-minded, where Ann Arbor, in general, is a lot more liberal-minded. It's actually kind of ironic because my closest super-liberal friends are from Grand Rapids, and one of my most conservative friends is from Ann Arbor, soooooo obviously it doesn't apply to all people.

That being said, it's two completely different atmospheres (unless you're talking about EastTown in which case, you have found my favorite spot in the city). For someone like me, the different atmospheres don't make any difference in how I'll behave or present myself. I'll do whatever I damn-well please, PDA and all.

Please note that by "PDA" I don't mean making out and being all over each other in public. I mostly am referring to hand-holding here.

Where I'm more of a forthright go-conquer-all type of person, Boyfriend is a bit more timid, especially when it comes to PDA. So, when he heard Grand Rapids was fairly conservative, he immediately worried more about it. For me, it didn't even cross my mind.

When it came to our first couple times in Grand Rapids together, unless we were in a house or completely alone, hand-holding was a rarity. I would try, and he'd pull away. I'd try harder, and he'd take my hand for a second then back out and stop. And, that's how it was for a while. For someone like me that is so physical about how he shows affection, I found this to be very difficult. He found the opposite to be true in that it was difficult that I was pushing him so hard about it.

Fast forward to this weekend. Friday night, I got to see Boyfriend in Grand Rapids. We took a trip to Meijer* together. On the way to the door, I noticed Boyfriend's hand was dangling down at his side. For most of his trips to Grand Rapids, when in public, he'd either stick his hand in his pocket or hold his other arm with it to prevent me from holding it. I wasn't quite sure if this new position was intentional or if he just hand't thought to take it away yet, so I reached out and grazed his fingertips.

And he allowed them to intertwine. And it was intentional.

And we walked in the store... and they were still together. And we walked around the store... and they were still together. And we walked out of the store... and they were still together.

Two weeks prior, I barely got him to hold my hand in the (completely empty) nature preserve at Calvin, and here we were, walking through MEIJER in GRAND RAPIDS holding hands. I wish I could go get those security tapes, because I was positively beaming.

As much as I enjoyed holding hands on our first date, I've got to say that this moment takes the cake so far in favorite moments with Boyfriend. Okay, maybe it's top 3, but you'll have to ask me in person for the other stories :)

-(a still smiling)QV

*The breaking of my Meijer fast demands a full blog post.

An apology

I have tried for weeks to be able to write a good follow-up post to my last one. I know it sparked a lot of negative feelings in people, and it was written in reaction to negative feelings. But no matter how hard I try to write it well, the words just never come out right.

I may have strong beliefs on matters, but I never wish to make people feel compromised of their own views.

Before you jump in with a "But!!" I want to make something very clear. I do have an exception: when your views infringe upon the rights and freedom of others, I have a problem with it. I don't think slavery in any fashion is okay, and if you do, I have a problem with that. I think women should be seen as equals, and that even though our society is making positive progress, we (including you and me, no matter how progressive you may think you are) have a long way to go. I believe anyone should be able to love whoever they want, and no one should be allowed to trample all over their rights to express that in whatever way they see as necessary and fulfilling.

But, I didn't do a great job demonstrating those beliefs in my last post. I do not claim to be perfect even though sometimes I may joke about it. I say that I'm cool with you believing what you want until you try to use it against others, yet what was I doing in my last post?

I'm going to leave my last post up both as a reminder to myself how ugly I can get, and as a memory of what I was thinking in that period of my life.

I do want to make my intent of that last post very clear, and I hope this helps explain it a bit. I was feeling very damaged from some recent experiences. I was having a hard time seeing how and why anyone could use religion to (even indirectly) attack someone, so it was much easier for me to claim it all brainwash than deal with the hard details of it. I grew up around Christianity; I'm not coming from a position where I don't have any base knowledge. Yet, I should have used just that to reach out in love rather than contempt.

-QV

Brainwash

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about religion and morality. I've got a religion class (and paper on sexual ethics) to blame for part of this, but I've had a couple experiences in my life recently that led me to feel even stronger about something I had already thought in the back of my mind.

Here are the stories:

#1. Two consenting adults in a relationship have sex. They have been dating a month. Friend: "I just can't believe it. I am so furious and disappointed. I thought they were better than this. That is so wrong. Even most non-Christians can see how this is morally wrong."

#2. Different friend posts an article about how the church needs to do a better job at loving gay people. This article says things like God thinks gays shouldn't shouldn't act on their desires for the good of them. It also talks about how it's actually love to tell a gay person they shouldn't be a "practicing" homosexual. It says that it's sad gay kids get bullied, but what they're doing is wrong, and we should still tell them that--in love! (Link provided at end of post)

I felt sick to my stomach at both of these occurrences. Did you?

Whatever your thoughts on sex, it is a deeply personal decision. This for some people is influenced by religion--and so be it--but imposing said beliefs on others is not right. Saying that even most non-Christians see sex--in a relationship, consensual, and with protection--is morally wrong is succumbing to blindness. Many non-Christians are even morally okay with casual sex!

Whatever your thoughts on LGBTQ persons, bullying is wrong. Degrading humans is also wrong, and telling people that a key piece of their identity is inherently corrupted and that they must ignore it leads to depression, self-harm, and even suicide. Would you rather have a gay kid who hates his existence and offs himself or have a gay kid who chooses to live out his sin (if you must believe it's a sin) just like you do every day of the week when you choose to tell a white lie, when you lust over your coworker, when you overeat on Thanksgiving, when you don't actually tithe 10% of your income, when you ignore that homeless person on the street. But being gay is the one that's contemptible to choose to live out. We won't bug each other 24/7 about those other sins because everyone does them.

COME ON, PEOPLE.

I've been led to conclude that religion, as a whole, is brainwash. Both of my friends in the stories truly believe to the core of their existence that what they were saying was right and true. It takes a lot of training for someone to not only be able to recite something but to believe it to the essence of their beings. 

There are so many inconsistencies in Christianity (and other religions, for that matter) that Christians either do not realize exist or willingly ignore. Bullshit answers are given as explanations. Why does evil exist? Well, it's the absence of God. Well, why did God allow it to exist? Because eventually He'll do away with it, making a greater good, but for now, it's just a part of His plan.

I'M NOT OKAY WITH THAT. Isn't this the God that ordered all the firstborns of the Egyptians to be killed as a final plague? Isn't He the one that allowed David to murder-by-proxy Uriah, take his wife as his own, and still be king, but instead lose his firstborn IN A GRUELING SEVEN DAYS LONG DEATH!?

*Snorts* But, QV, that's OLD TESTAMENT. *chuckles and feels proud of himself for being able to point that out*

Okay, smartie-pants. Then did God change? According to Christianity, the relationship between God and humans changed with Jesus, but isn't He still the same God? He doesn't exactly sound like a great guy to me, and I can't just forget that all those things happened in the past.

Maybe, just maybe, you were raised in the church to believe that God is good, and that saturated your being so much that no matter the evidence to the contrary, you chose to believe it and would accept any stretch of logic (or breach of logic) required to believe that. This is brainwash.

-QV

----------------------------------
The article mentioned

Recent happenings

In case you're not already sick of seeing updates on Prop 8 and DOMA (hey, give me some credit! I waited a few days), I decided to write a blog post :P That being said, my post is not aimed at educating about its implications. Instead, I'm writing my reactions. I'd recommend having a pretty good understanding about the recent decisions from the Supreme Court before reading this post for it to fully make sense. I recommend checking out the Human Rights Campaign website to learn more.

Here's how it all happened:

8:00am: Cute text sent to boyfriend wishing him a happy morning. Gotta make sure he's cared for.
8:30am: Class begins. Discussion over last night's reading. Boring material.
9:00am: Discover text from boyfriend: "Supreme Court is announcing this morning." Phone turned back off. Anxious squirms.
10:00am: Class leaves for break, due back at 10:30. Phone immediately back on. Can't stand still.
10:08am: See phone, get updates about DOMA. Begin conversation of short, rapid texts that are hard to follow.
10:15am: Run to computer for clarification of texts.
10:28am: Prop 8 ruling.
10:30am: Back to class. Announcement to no one in particular about ruling. Prof cheers.

Needless to say, I was bouncing up and down the rest of the class. What I really wanted to do was go start a song and dance number about it... but, unfortunately, life is not a musical in which all people know the words to the song I'm making up on the spot.

No more DOMA, I thought, Our country is finally moving in a positive direction here. With these recent rulings means a much more expedited process for the future. These rulings pave the path for the future. Maybe I'll actually be able to get married in the state I'll be living in.

I hopped on Facebook later. Many of you have probably already seen the image George Takei posted, but it's just so relevant:

"When I checked FB again this morning..."

It was overwhelming the support I saw on Facebook, and not even just from fellow LGBTQ friends. I've noticed recently that I don't actually have very many conservative friends, and most of the ones who self-identify as conservative-leaning politically treat marriage equality liberally. That is not to say all of my friends are this way. But, as bad as it sounds, most of them have learned to keep their mouth shut about this issue around me (whether it be because I'll actually fight back--STRONG--or because they're afraid their opinions will hurt me, I'm not entirely sure).

For me, the announcements were a long-awaited gay Christmas. It was everything I didn't get at Pride this year and then some. I find it wonderful that these decisions were made in June--the month designated for queer pride.

I can't wait for the future. As a queer man, there's a pretty bright outlook. There will always be religious bigots that do not find it to be acceptable, and that's something all queers have to become resilient against, especially if, like me, they grew up in a Christian (or other religious) home. But, it's a pretty big deal that our government is starting to take the necessary steps to fully recognize us. 

Guess what? We're not a nation of conservative straight white Christian men. We're a nation of Christian, Jew, Atheist, and Agnostic; we're a nation of straight, bi, gay, and queer; we're a nation of white, black, Latino, and Asian. Let's start treating it like that.

-QV

P.S. I'm not purposely omitting subgroups from my lists. I know we're more than just the religions, sexualities, and nationalities I listed.

Pride pt. II

I promise the next post will be a recipe! I've just been low on food with no real desire to go shopping lately.

In my last post concerning pride, I mostly wrote about the let-down that was pride fest this year (or, at least what I saw of it). What I did not talk about was the parade.

See, as I mentioned, last year I was in Chicago for their festivities and parade. Unfortunately, I didn't plan things out enough in advance to make it work this year, and Chicago decided to throw it's festivals and parade on different weekends, AND I'm just starting summer classes... so I won't be down there.

The parade in Chicago was still fairly tame compared to what you might see in San Francisco. There were man groups represented there: small businesses, bars, advocacy groups, and even churches. Of course, being a pride parade, you had some scantily clad men (and women!), especially on the floats representing the Boytown clubs, but for the most part it was a very family friendly event. This was slightly surprising to me, as the media always tends to emphasize the sexual side of it, using it as yet another argument against LGBTQ persons.

I actually got questions along these lines a lot when I was first coming out: "Why are pride parades all about men in g-strings and exorbitant amounts of rainbows?" That's the sort of thing a newly-out queer guy doesn't quite know how to answer, but I'm going to do my best to tackle a bit of it here in this post. Please remember, these are my thoughts, and many other queer people would disagree with me.

First of all, the parades are NOT about those things. Pride parades exist as a celebration of freedom, of breaking free. For too long, the LGBTQ community has hid in shadows, and that does real damage on one's soul and self-esteem. Once a year, we're allowed to step forward to the surface, celebrate together, and really be ourselves.

Imagine in this way: say you had a Romeo and Juliet relationship in that you always had to hide your feelings toward that person, and nobody could ever see you together. Then, once a year, you were allowed to be with that person out in public. Would you not take their hand, scream to the rooftops, and fully enjoy that day?

Some people take that to a bit of an extreme. I personally don't find it appropriate to wear less in a pride parade than you normally would in public. I'm not saying I don't enjoy it when I see it (hey, I gotta be honest!), but it still bothers me. We're asking for our equality and trying to promote how we're not any different than anyone else, that for most of us, we have the same draw toward forming families and have the same moral values...and then a few go against the grain and show quite the opposite. The media sees those few, latches onto them, and uses it against us. Lovely.

That being said, how is it any different for straight people? Think of festivals like Lollapalooza. Does this not spark images of women in revealing outfits, sex and drugs done in public, and alcohol everywhere? Many conservatives will get all up in arms, claiming queer people are all driven by sex, yet why do they turn a blind eye to their own clubs and hook-up culture in general? If two men sleep together on a first date, it's used as evidence that queers are sex-driven, family-breaking maniacs. If a man and a women go home together from the club and hook-up, it's seen as the way society works. Hello, double-standard.

A man walking down the street in his underwear is miles from this.

That being said, I wish more big pride festivals and parades were family-oriented. They should be a safe place for people of all ages, not perpetuating the idea that a child can't understand homosexuality until he or she is of a certain age.

West MI Pride in former years (and probably this year too, if only I was there early enough) does exactly this. They even have a kids booth! This year was the first ever West MI Pride parade, as well. Though it only lasted 20 minutes, it was a safe place for absolutely anyone to be. These are the sorts of things we need to do if we want to bring about equality faster. These are the sorts of values we need to do a better job demonstrating, the reasons we'll win the more conservative people over.

-QV

Hands

*Disclaimer: this post is a long story full of gushing, excitement, and cheese. Read at your own risk.*

I can't tell you how many times I've gotten comments in person about my vivid storytelling techniques. I LOVE talking about what's going on in my life, especially when exciting things happen. I'm not sure if I'm interesting to listen to via blog posts since my hands and face are a large part what makes me so animated, but nonetheless, I try.

Several times already in my life, I've found myself in relationships right around one of our birthdays. As if coming up with birthday ideas isn't hard enough, there's the added awkwardness of what to get your significant other.

Side-note: my high school girlfriend bought me a Rubik's cube for my birthday, which fell exactly a week after we started dating. It was cute, inexpensive, and already significant in our relationship (I taught her how to solve one).

What happens when you get into a relationship with a guy long-distance, notice on Facebook his birthday is coming up, go out to visit him the day before his birthday, and forget until he mentions what he's doing the next day? #1. You feel like an idiot for not remembering that right away and planning something cute for him. #2. You call him on the ride home precisely at midnight to wish him a happy birthday. #3. You write a blog post.

That's right, folks. My boyfriend is 22 today. In the immortal words of Taylor Swift, being 22 is "miserable and magical, oh yeah." I don't know about miserable, but I hope he's feeling pretty magical right now, or at least will be by the end of this post.

I've only gotten the chance to tell a few friends the story of how we met and how we started dating officially. So, hey, in case you're wondering... here goes:

*Edit: I thought I'd tell the whole story, instead you get the story of the first date. I didn't realize how long it'd be until I finished typing :)*

Once upon a time, QV was overwhelmed with the idea of trying to find a boyfriend. After all, in QV's society, you couldn't just randomly go up to a guy and ask if he was queer; you might get punched. He wasn't interested in any of his queer friends, so he decided to join a free online dating site.

Aaaaaand switching out of the 3rd person. I feel like that might get annoying after a while.

Scrolling through profile after profile and seeing nothing too exciting is somewhat disheartening. That's what that site mainly did. Note to friends: don't visit an online dating site when you're lonely.

I hadn't been on there in a while, but one day I decided to log in and see if anybody new was there. I clicked on Quickmatch and began perusing profiles recommended for me (which... seriously, how do those algorithms work!?). Boring... crazy... only wants sex... lives in Ontario... It was pretty average, until...

There he was. The most mysterious guy I'd ever seen on there. I'll admit I looked through his pictures immediately before checking out his profile. Let it be known that I do not care so much about looks--but it felt like his eyes were gazing into my soul, so I had to see more.

I started looking at his profile. He lives on the other side of the state, has a dog, eats vegan, loves animals, wants to be a vet... all wonderful qualities in my mind. I decide to give it a go and send potentially one of the most awkward messages known to mankind:

"Hello! I read through your profile and some of your questions, and it seems like we've got some pretty similar views on things. I eat vegetarian (leaning towards veganism) and also identify as agnostic.

Read through my profile if you've got time and learn a bit about me :) I'd love to talk more if you're up for it!

-QV"

Smooth. Gotta impress him with my dietary habits and religious leanings, because obviously those are the most important things a guy is looking for.

He responded though. Messaging quickly moved to texting, and texting led to setting up a first date. We would meet in a city halfway between us for coffee, and if that went well, a walk. And with that, off we were.

I tend to over-think things when I'm nervous. I spent way too long trying to decide on a outfit that was both casual and cute for that first date. Guess what? I already forget what I was wearing.

Because of that, though, I was running a bit behind. Then, I hit construction and was even more behind. I texted him from the gas station telling him I was going to be a bit later than expected...then pulled over again later to tell him I was going to be even later. He got there twenty minutes before I did, and I felt awful for making him wait.

So, I get there, and I see him standing there. He looks really awkward and nervous, but definitely not angry at me for being late. PHEW. I make awkward small talk while ordering my coffee and curse myself for letting him get there before me and already have ordered and paid for his own drink, but I try not to let that get to me. We sit down at a table, seats next to each other, rather than across.

It's our first time meeting in person and really the first time hearing each other's voices. It's so awkward. We find things to talk about, which mainly centered around his research and theories. I become a little scared to talk since I probably sound like an idiot next to his eloquent speaking. So, I listen.

What I hear coming from his mouth are not just the words he's speaking. I hear passion. Fire. Struggle.  Creativity. I hear the words of someone so invested in what he does. I take a mental note that he, like myself, tends to get louder and louder the more excited he is about something, and also, like myself, begins to talk faster and faster. Adorable.

I was worried because I hadn't said much (and when I did, it came out like a blubbering fool), he would want to end the date as soon as our coffee was finished, but he was the first to bring it up: "Well, do you want to head to the park?" "Yes! Yes!"

So, we did. Neither of us knew the park, and he got lost and called me on the way. Note to everyone: it's pretty hard to give directions to somewhere you've never been before in a city you're unfamiliar with. Somehow, we both made it.

On our walk, we talked about life, love, family, friends, religion, animals... virtually anything you can think of. Somewhere along the way, we had a movie-moment where our hands accidentally brushed. He was the first to grab it. I'm the kind of person who is big on physical touch, so this for me was a pretty big moment. I could feel his heart pounding faster in his wrist, so I like to think it was pretty big for him too.

Now, bear with me a moment as I expose to the world how ridiculously strange I am. The moment his fingers intertwined with mine, I noticed a few things: #1. Our hands fit perfectly into each other and #2. The position that we naturally went into was the most natural hand-holding position for me.

(Actually, that's a lie. That was not what I thought the moment his fingers intertwined with mine. What really happened was that my brain went "OH MY GOSH HE'S HOLDING MY HAND!! AHH!! Okay. Deep breath. Don't freak out. Enjoy the moment. See how great it feels? OH GOSH, DON'T START SWEATING LIKE CRAZY. NO GUY WANTS TO DATE A GUY WITH CLAMMY HANDS." Only after I got through those thoughts did my brain to go checking to see if we were comfortable.)

Hand-compatibility: it's something I think about it. When you're holding hands with another person, several things can serve to make either and enjoyable experience or an extremely awkward experience. #1. Do you go over or under with your wrist? #2. Do your respective hand-sizes work well together? #3. Whose thumb goes on top? and #4. Are you the same on both sides?

I have hands that naturally fall into different positions on both sides, so it's actually slightly difficult for me to find someone that I'm HC (hand-compatible) with on both sides. The first hand we tried (my right, his left) was perfect. Positions comfortable, sizes match... cool!

But, see, you remember I said I'm ridiculously strange, right? Well, at one point, we took a seat on a bench and talked there for a while. Because I needed to know, I made sure I ended up on the other side of him when we stood back up in order to check that hand. Yup.

... For reference, we're perfect on that side too.

We eventually made it back to our cars after getting lost in the woods for a while, had a hug goodbye, and went our separate ways. Two dates later, we decided to call it official, and five days later here we are.

I greatly look forward to seeing where this relationship goes. Right now, I'm just enjoying each step of our journey, and love getting to know him better day by day, even if that means taking a moment to register when his birthday is.

Readers (other than Boyfriend), if you made it this far, I applaud you. I'm actually curious if any of you found this post enjoyable :P

Boyfriend, I wish you a very, very happy birthday :) I'm sorry I can't be there in person today, but I cannot wait until the next time I see you.

-QV