Judgment

Here's the scenario: I'm out to dinner and drinks with two friends. Friend A is pretty liberal, Christian, and would vote yes for marriage equality because we're a nation of more than just Christian values, but personally does not believe it is the right way to live one's life. Friend B is even more liberal, Christian, and totally okay with marriage equality.

This is a pretty typical group dynamic for me to be around, so this scenario (which actually happened) could be replicated any number of times.

Friend A: On the way here, QV said I judge him. What the heck?

Friend B: QV, uh, what?! How could you say that? She loves everybody.

Friend A: Yeah! Just because I don't agree with it doesn't mean I'm going to impose judgment upon you!

Begin cycle of attacking QV, who tries to defend himself but is feeling more and more defeated, and feeling the affects of alcohol, his cognitive processes are functioning at 90% in a conversation they need to be working at 150%. It was not pretty. I half-won Friend A over with a half-assed "Put yourself in my shoes and see how it feels" argument, but it didn't last long. I eventually just asked them to stop, told them I was feeling attacked, and requested we change topics.

...I was pretty quiet the rest of the night.

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Can we please stop using the argument, "I'm not judging you; I just don't think it's right. I don't have to agree with everything you do, and that's not judgment"? The very definition of judge is "to form a judgment or opinion of; decide upon critically" (thanks, dictionary.com!). "I don't think it's right" sounds an awful lot like a formed-opinion.

Friend A (as well as any friends who think similarly), I hope you're reading this. I am in no way saying you think less of me. That's not what I mean by judging me (though, for some people, it sadly does). I'm also not saying you're telling me to change. But to fundamentally believe one of the key aspects of my existence (who I fall in love with, who I date, who I marry) is wrong, a sin, or against God (pick your favorite) hurts me to my very core. 

I spent years struggling over what it meant to be queer and Christian. Though I don't identify as one of those two anymore, I still believe many Christians grossly misinterpret the Bible to say things it's not actually saying. They also try to read it in our present culture rather than see the culture it was written in.

To everyone: it's easy for me to grin and bear it when I hear over and over again, "I'll always love you and support you" (okay... awesome... cool... yes!!) "...BUT I don't believe it's right" (*cue heart shattering into a tiny million pieces). It feels like you're telling me, "Okay, yeah, of course you can be you. No one's stopping you. And I'll even go along with it. But, deep-down... I actually think you're making the biggest mistake ever."

"My friend smokes pot, and I don't agree with that or think it's right, but I just figure, 'Hey, he can live his life and make his own decisions.' Is that judgment?" YES. YES IT IS. Even though you let him do what he wants, you thinking he needs to straighten up and live his life more like how you live yours is judgment. Also, now my love-life is compared to illegal (as of now in my state) drugs? Thanks.

"Aren't you doing the same thing to me? Judging me for not believing what you think is right? Are you seriously saying that I have to believe everything you think?" To the last sentence: no, of course not. To the first two: that's a valid point. If I'm to fully follow through with what I believe judging to be, I suppose I am judging you for not agreeing with me here. There's a key difference though: You holding any opinion on LGBTQ issues does not affect your personal life in any way, but it does affect mine. I'm going to be me no matter what, but it still hurts when friends show support only on the surface.

-QV