Struggles

*Disclaimer: these are my own personal thoughts and do not reflect the journey of any other queer person. These all came out stream-of-conscious style*

When I first came out, I always said I had the easiest experience anyone has ever had with doing so. This wasn't far from the truth: my family (generally) responded well, my friends (for the most part) responded well, heck, even my girlfriend responded well. That, in combination with my generally confident behavior made for an easy time.

Fast-forward a few years...

Being queer is hard. 

It's hard because people assume that because it's more and more accepted these days, that means it's not hard to be queer. It's hard because people assume what I say about my own experience is the same as anybody else's experience. It's hard because people assume my happy demeanor  means I have no struggles.

It's hard because I say one thing in response to a question one day, and then a month later I realize that's not the best way of answering it, so I try to explain again, but then just sound like I'm constantly changing my mind.

It's hard because I get riled up easily. It's hard because I am passionate. It's hard because I want to be the front running for queer rights. It's hard because that's on my mind a lot, and it's hard because I like to talk about it. It's hard because "Look, I'm okay with you being gay and all, but do you have to talk about it all the time?"

It's hard because every time she mentions her boyfriend, her current lover, her crush, her attractions, her family, herself... Look, I'm okay with you being straight and all, but do you have to talk about it all the time?

It's hard because we're everywhere and it's hard because we're nowhere. It's hard because the invisibility is crushing, so you overcompensate by being as loud and proud as you can. It's hard because it's Pride Month, and you never want the festivities to end.

It's hard because the media represents us in a stereotypical fashion. It's hard when we fit those stereotypes. It's hard when people complain about there being an abnormally high number of LGBTQ high school students in Glee when I know this number is not abnormally high at all. It's hard because I find Will & Grace funny.

It's hard because many of my friends will not be attending my wedding. It's hard because my best friend is uncertain whether she'd come to my wedding. It's hard because my dad will not be at my wedding. It's hard because I'll be hurting at my wedding. It's hard because I may never have a wedding. 

It's hard because I can't just simply go up to the person I'm interested in and flirt with him. It's hard because I'm a flirty person. It's hard because I can't just ask someone straight up about their sexuality. It's hard because I have a lot of love to give.

It's hard because queer men are awful to each other. It's hard because "masculine," "straight-acting," "no fatties," "no queens," "I only like white men." 

It's hard because we protest, we beg, we scream, we deserve our rights. It's hard because we celebrate the first openly gay senator and then find each tiny little flaw in her until she is nothing. It's hard because we're overjoyed a president has the common sense to say we deserve our rights. It's hard because this attitude should be the norm. It's hard because it's not.

-QV